Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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