when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
