I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
