I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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