i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
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and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
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Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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