that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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