im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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