I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
