I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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