mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
how can u be prego again
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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