I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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