All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
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Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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