and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
