it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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