I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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