Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
