i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
