in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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