i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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