at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
