mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
