those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
