All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think my moral compass just broke
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
