I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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