Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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