There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
