i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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