Fine. I'll sleep in my office
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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