If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
