Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
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