Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
