we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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