When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
