I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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