It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
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once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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