I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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