wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
