my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
