Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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