I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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