you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
vagina is talking i cant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize