Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
