If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
