I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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