we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
