My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
