I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
