When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
