There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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