if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
