over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
